If you ask the Urban Dictionary to define “moron,” it shows you a video of a kid getting his tongue stapled. Users of the dictionary chime in with less-than-illuminating definitions like “stupider than an imbecile.” The Dictionary, assuming that being an idiot has bragging rights, sells “moron” mugs and t-shirts.
You can worry your little head about zombies all you want; I’m more concerned with The Walking Stupid—people responsible for all manner of jaw-dropping nincompoopishness and repugnances.
1. When Thugs B Thugs: My favorite crooner, Lil Wayne, stomped on a flag in a recent video, accusing “Amerika” of “killing and letting them die.” Not sure who he’s referring to, but for a guy who’s been arrested multiple times, not a shocker that he’s inciting his brand fans to beat the horse we rode in on. Unfortunately, given the intelligence quota of most of his fan base, they’re likely to listen. Wayne elaborates, “Shootin star in my pocket, bitch sit on my rocket, I’m wired off a socket . . . I’m the missing link.” Therein lies the rub.
2. Whistle-Blowing Gone Haywire: Speaking of people not enamored with Big Brother, Edward Snowden doesn’t make me feel proud of what has become known as the courageous act of whistle-blowing. Nor did Julian Assange. As more information is released on Snowden, it becomes clear that he is indeed what Senator Dianne Feinstein labeled, a traitor, regardless of the sainthood he’s achieved among conspiracy theorists, anarchists, the disenfranchised, and compulsive CNN watchers.
3. Everything’s A-OK. In the “what is the world coming to” category, following the Elmo creator’s arrest for having sex with an underage boy, now the central story of a new Muppet character is about having a dad in jail. Sesame Street has been a mirror on society for the past 40 years, addressing issues like societal and economic diversity, racially mixed households, hunger, and crime. I suppose that because an astonishing one in 28 children have parents in jail, there would come a time when even Sesame Street would don the bright orange jumpsuit. Alex the Muppet can now be seen and heard on Sesame Street lamenting the fact that his dad is behind bars. It’s sad and pathetic and real life. As the safe haven for millions of kids, Sesame Street has seen fit to create a broader space to embrace and encourage peer sensitivities. Hopefully they can do some good without also making an alarming trend seem a routine and accepted reality.
4. Oh, The Humanity: I have to admit, though coarse, crude, and often cruel, there is a certain hair-brained intelligence behind Tosh.O. On the other hand, there is absolutely nothing redeemable about Ridiculousness, a TV show hosted by simpleton Rob Dyrdek, an old “chav” embarrassingly desperate to appear hip-hoppy. The show features really blockheaded people doing out-to-lunch things to themselves, soundtracked by their equally boneheaded friends, giddy at the sight of watching teeth fly out of mouths and heads crash into concrete. It’s the lad-as-moron version of America’s Funniest Home Videos. Dyrdek’s cast includes the predictably effervescent and dolt blonde giggling through a toothy and heavily gummed underbite, with literally nothing to say. NO.THING. MTV describes her, Chanel West Coast, as a “smokingly hot chick.” Apropos only if by “smokingly hot” they mean “complete cretin.”
5. TV For Primates: It would seem that addled television programmers have handed over the airtime reins to the biggest dimwits and ninnies on the planet. Yeah, yeah, I know, they’re laughing all the way to the bank. So it goes, an evolution in TV viewing that is literally turning television into a haven for trailer park sloths, pickup truck drivers, and toothless guys with big guts. Marketers largely determine what goes on television via their advertising choices, so for companies like Walmart or Red Bull, “testero-reality” shows like Duck Dynasty, Operation Repo, Swamp Loggers, and Pawn Stars, which reach mostly young, male braindeads, are made to order. All that’s missing is Lil Wayne's new show, Pissin’ Amerika.