M-A-R-K-E-T-E-E-R-S!

I love the word "accretive." It’s such a nice-sounding adjective. Read this out loud, and you’ll see what I mean: “My raise will be accretive to my personal wealth goals.” Doesn’t that sound fabulous?

Despite my reluctance to spend when the market skies are uncertain, I’d like to reward myself with something special. The hubby agreed that my next car could be anything I want - within reason. (I can respect that, given I first suggested a Bentley Continental GT.) So, then, where are all the 2008 Audi A5s?

I’m not falling for the auto’s machismo-laced commercials, attempting to draw the MBA guys out of their cookie-cutter 3 series Beemers, G35s, and TLs. This isn’t a car for the boys, despite Car & Driver’s objectifying product review. Want proof? Pepper Potts was rolling in one this weekend, not Tony Stark. That’s my car, Gwyneth, so get out. And no, I don't want to test drive the lone model at Maplewood Audi, I want to personally pick the one that guarantees a speeding ticket when I take it home. So where are they?

Sigh. I loathe marketeers.

They did this to me last year with the new Camaro. Oh, Bumblebee looked hot, and I found myself delusional, craving a look-at-me-yellow coupe. We all know, of course, that Chevrolet has yet to introduce said Camaro to market; yes, it’s planned for 2009, but I suspect recent quarters are hampering the auto’s ability to live up to the promises of a 2007 summer blockbuster. Hey, at least there was money earlier this decade to throw at Hasbro to secure the product placement.

There are elaborate algorithms that underscore the accretive impact of marketing strategies on the top line, but it’s so easy to forget about them when it usually seems there’s just no ruining the fun of the marketeer. Think of how many “spend your stimulus checks” promotions you’ve already seen.

Or, take a moment to observe the absurd: Do people seriously call Kyocera and say, “Gardie sent me?” Do they snatch up Kodak all-in-one printers because Sludge - Sludge - recommends it? The marketing geniuses negotiating those KFAN-celeb endorsements likely waste their work days logging time on Rube Chat. Come on...

I think it’s time to suck it in for awhile. I’m watching a lot of people, sadly, lose so much of what they have because they bought a dream they couldn’t really afford. I believe what P.T. Barnum said—and I trust Warren Buffett even more—so perhaps it’s not the best time for buying what the marketeers are selling. I’ll keep driving my trusty sedan, spend way too much money on gas, tuck away the minuscule balance that would have gone to Audi each month, and imagine I’m in the GT when I'm stuck on Hwy. 100.

Ya know, Pepper, ya can't polish a turd. - Christine (1983)