Friends Don't Let Friends Work With Friends

I think I've settled on new pet peeve: people at work who play the "friend" card faster than the Heathers.

Let me let you in on a little secret: I don't consider coworkers as friends. I do believe in collegiality, along with fair treatment, equal pay (damn straight!), and helping to pave the way to opportunities for growth. I will support my peers and their ambitions and dreams. But I’m not really the hugging type.

For me, it’s summed up in one word: respect. I work hard to earn theirs, and in turn they have to earn mine. And most do. And yet there are a few who think crap at work can be brushed over with some air kisses.

I can usually diffuse any tension at work by pointing to the business plan, but even that doesn't always work when the other person knows just enough to be dangerous, and her self-respect chip is on the fritz. It’s humiliating to have a 25-year career woman shout “Hey, GIRL-FRAAAND!” at me down the hallway. What is this, high school?

Take Ms. Inappropriate. I have worked so hard for the past year to steer clear of this woman, and yet there she is: on my trips, in my teams, on my calls. I do think she is smart, but she’s formulaic: She publicly sets targets for herself and team, consistently misses them, and throws a red herring to distract everyone. She asks questions about things that are not germane to her work, starts programs that aren’t hers to initiate, and openly gossips about coworkers and business partners. (She once said, unprompted, after meeting two partner company reps for the first time: “They’re sleeping together.”)

I once wanted to support her professionally, but I don’t trust her. And I won't allow myself to wade into her personal life, despite her attempts to bring me in. She once talked my ear off about her divorce proceedings at the luggage claim. I silently nodded, repeatedly texting “help me” to my boss.

A few weeks back, after publicly flogging a colleague of ours, unbeknownst to him, in an e-mail message, I caught her in a bald-faced lie during a meeting. She dropped the ball, plain and simple, and was now attempting to ring my colleague for it - once again, not there to defend himself. That was enough: I called her on it.

A few minutes after the meeting wrapped, both lines on my office phone lit up: one was her desk line; the other, her cell phone. One minute later, they both lit up again. Then came the e-mail message: “I want my friend back.”

I didn’t respond. I so badly didn’t want to enable her behavior.

I saw her a week later at a work team meeting; she looked up and, aloud, said, “I feel like we should hug!”

Help me.

Attention everyone, hello! Yes, I just want you to know that this is not my decision but from here on out, we can no longer be friends. And when we talk about things here, we must only discuss work associated things. And uh, you can consider this my retirement from comedy. And in the future if I want to say something funny, or witty, or do an impression I will no longer, ever, do any of those things. - The Office (2005)